Happy Testimony Tuesday my dear friends! Its been a little over a month since I've posted, but we made it through the Holidays! Whew 🥴. I have learned so much about myself and extreme emotions during this time. We assume the Holidays are the "most wonderful time of the year" but they also bring a lot of BIG FEELINGS to some of us.
Today marks 270 days alcohal free, 160 days Cigarette free, and let me go ahead and confess aloud, and 74 days THC free. The only thing I do now is a nicotine mouth pouch 2-3 times a day so not really that heavy there either. God is so good!! He has taken me from a filthy wretch and has refind me and cleaned me up so well, its unbelievable.
It hasnt been easy though. When I first quit my vices, there was a pure RAGE. I was so mad at everything. Noises, people, traffic, my kids, every little thing was setting me off. I know you all think I am a lovely peach, but my defualt emotion has always been anger. At work, I "mask" and come off sweet and positive and helpful. I often wonder is this the real me, or is the home the real me? The home is cranky, assertive, demanding and argumentative. Perhaps this is a learned behavior as my home life was never the safe place and work maybe was an escape for me. I dont know, Im still learning and a work in progress.
Going through the detox, I reached out to the life coach I was working with and he reminded me, this is the first time I am "feeling" my emotions. And you know what, he was right. I have been smoking and drinking since I was 14. Its aweful to say but the streets really raised me. You had to kind of be 'bad' to survive. If I would have felt everything I was actually going through, perhaps I wouldnt have survived. Thats God's kind of grace in my life. He allowed me those vices to survive, and then when it no longer served me, he took them away. I am the most physically and mentally healthy as I have ever been in my WHOLE LIFE.
Then I read how Jesus was offered something to 'numb his pain' during the cross, and he rejected it. He wanted to feel the suffering and be the perfect sacrifice. That really made me emotional to know our God, who was made flesh, FELT every pain we could go through and he chose to do so with Love. A true love for his children.
"The gospel of Mark describes what Jesus had to endure, “And they brought him to the place called Golgotha (which means Place of a Skull). And they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it. And they crucified him and divided his garments among them, casting lots for them, to decide what each should take” (Mark 15:22-24 ESV throughout).
According to ancient Hebrew custom based on Proverbs 31:6-7, honorable women of Jerusalem would attend executions to provide support to the condemned. The women would administer them wine mixed with myrrh, or wine mixed with gall (Matthew 27:33-35) as a way to deaden or numb the senses from the pain of the cross. The mixture was also a natural sedative, putting those who took it to sleep.
Jesus refused to take it, “And they offered him wine mixed with myrrh, but he did not take it” (Mark 15:23). Jesus refused because he wanted to experience every single moment appointed to him by the Father (Matthew 26:39) in order to remain the perfect sacrifice for sin (Ephesians 5:2)." -https://lookingtogod.org/2018/03/26/what-did-jesus-drink-while-dying-on-the-cross/
Isnt that such a perfect example on how we need to just feel this life and get through it?!
After the inital detox and trying to feel my true emotions, I am learning to be gental with myself and notice my "small wins." The other day, I rewatched a movie from 10 years ago. I know I've seen it before but I didnt remember a lot of the story as I watched it. I thought to myself "this is probably the first time you have watched a movie without being drunk or high" and I smiled to myself on the couch. I was home alone, but I felt so close to God. I love Jesus/ God so much. I see him in little tiny details of my life daily. Its pretty intamate and incedible to be loved by God.
I hope you give yourself grace and gentleness this week, and lean into the arms of God. He loves you so much and I love you too! 💗 Ally.
