Hello my friends! What a hot summer we are having down here in Florida!! Are you hot and swampy where you are at too?! I’m hard at work keeping our customers cool nationwide in our AC company I work for. 🥵 I can’t believe it’s been a month since I've last posted. Time is flying by. 

Today I would like to write about some peaceful progress God has made in my life. Remember where I was just a year ago, participating in pain and torment from what I believed my family was putting me through? Who I am today barely even resembles that girl! God is still at work in my life, and I am here to testify how great it is to be loved by him!

Sunday, I had lunch with my mom. Before I got there, I realized my debit card was left at the restaurant the night before, so it put me in a grumpy mood. I can be... how should we say this.. difficult to deal with and I can bring a dark cloud with me wherever I go. My spirit animal is Eeyore from Winnie the Pooh, he still participates, but he is the depressed, gloomy one in the friend group. 

So, in a funk I arrived at lunch with my mom, her husband, and his parents. I hugged my mom and waved to her husband's parents. The Grandpa said, " Oh the evil eye is here." I’m sure he was joking, but a year ago that would have really made me mad. As long as I have been alive, I have always been the odd one out, and to say that before I even sat down made me feel that dissonance once again. So apparently, my rain cloud walked in with me.

I sat down and had my lunch and tried to perk up as much as I could so they would have a nice time. I made a joke and my mom, and I were laughing and it ended up being a really nice time. I hugged EVERYONE and thanked them for the lunch, and we went our separate ways. On the way home I felt the familiar feeling of guilt on why I always seem to be the one who brings the gloom, when Jesus has instilled such a radiant light inside of me.

At home, I could feel my triggers, I wanted to grab a cigarette or a drink and chill out, but I didn’t let the urges win. I am really proud of myself for being 18 months sober, and I am really enjoying who I have become. I even shared the photos on Facebook and wrote "thank you for inviting me into your life, Mom" ...Who am I??? The old me would have been salty for a little while longer.

I think this really illustrates God providing a peace beyond understanding. Instead of letting my flesh win, or my desires take over, I chose to be peaceful and thankful in my circumstance. I shared this with my best friend who has seen me utterly crippled by fear and anxiety before seeing my family, to now thanking my Mom for sharing her life with me. She had tears of pride in her eyes on how far I have come. 

The answer has been and will always be Jesus. Jesus set me free, Jesus breaks every chain, and Jesus loves my little Eeyore rain cloud. He understands me in ways my family never will, and I am so thankful he is bringing the peaceful era into my life. I have fought so hard for so long, to just be still in him is a true gift I will cherish forever.

The devil will always be chasing me, but the Holy Ghost runs faster ;). Remember to be kind to yourself. Its hard down here for each of us in different ways. Thankfully we have each other to hold onto when things get rough. I love you all!!! 

Forty Years

In Forty years

Of walking with you

Not once have you let me go

In all the years

I spent fighting myself

You never let it show

I could have been

Lost to the streets

With open wounds

And sores on my feet

In forty years

You protected

And covered me

Through it all

In forty years

You graciously picked me up

from my fall

In forty years

I would finally understand

What it feels like to

Not be afraid

In forty years

Walking with you

I finally understand

The bed that I made

In forty years

Of wondering

I remember the Isrealites

For they also wandered with you

In forty years

Of wandering then

You made a way

for everything to become new

In forty years

I thought I would die

Instead, you showed me

How to be alive

In forty years

You never left me once

But I did stumble and fall

In forty years

I finally understand

The point of life at all

For the next forty years

I eagerly walk with you

Lauging and sharing

this wonder with you

For the next forty years

I lay my life down to follow you.

Wherever we go

I know its gonna be cool. 

Happy Testimony Tuesday, my beloveds! I'm sorry these TT posts are sporadically posted, but you know, that thing called life... it takes up a lot of my time :D

May 3rd was an especially significant date for me, it was my 1 year alcohol-free! I mean, just look at the before-and-after. These photos were taken on the same day, 1 year apart, on May 3rd! In the 'before' photo, you can see my utter disgust. I was swollen, a little hungover, and getting ready for a coaching session. It was on that day that the coach told me that I am self-comforting instead of getting my comfort from God, and from then on, I decided to change my life. Today, I look much healthier, and there is a light back in my eyes. 

That was also the day I started to read my Bible from start to finish. I chose to do this Bible reading plan and listened to the audio, which read me the chapters before bed. I would try to follow along, but some nights I fell asleep listening to the reading. I do not feel guilty for falling asleep; in fact, I feel like it was a blessing, as in the past, most nights I fell asleep when I was drunk and ready for bed. During this recovery, the reading helped me seek the Lord, and he gave me rest.

Some people have reached out to me to ask, " How did I get sober, and what did I do?" My honest response is this is God's story, and God's glory. The only thing I did was deny my flesh, and instead I started seeking the Lord. When he says, " Be still and know I am God", he meant it! (Psalm 46:10 Be still, and know that I am God; I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth.)

I recently heard someone talking about how reading the Bible actually 'rewires' your brain. That was pretty interesting to think about. You know how they say our brains have these little highways that transfer information to our consciousness, and we become that thought? Well, reading the Bible helps you get out of the ghettos off the highway and takes you along the scenic route. I love how reading from start to finish helped me fear the Lord, and then come to a loving understanding. My brain truly has become rewired. (Romans 12:2 Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect.)

I have noticed such a change in myself, I am no longer triggered by the things of my past, I am trying to be in the present when spending time with my Mom or family. I can tell I am much more peaceful as a Mom and don't snap and yell at the little things. I feel sadness for not being fully present when they were little, but I know God is a restorer and will give me back all the things that I lost. (Isaiah 61:7 Instead of your shame, you will receive a double portion, and instead of disgrace, you will rejoice in your inheritance. And so you will inherit a double portion in your land, and everlasting joy will be yours.)

The trick is, I didn't do anything, no 12-step AA meeting, no accountability coach, it was a journey walking with God hand in hand. I feel incredible, I feel loved, and most of all, I feel seen by a God who created me for a time such as this. Please trust God, my friends, with all your heart. Even when I missed a day of reading, when I returned, Jesus was there waiting for me. He is waiting for you, too! Join him :)