Hellllo my friends! Welcome back to Testimony Tuesday. I'm so sorry my last written post was 01/07! I posted that photo inspirational thread on 01/28 but it has been CRAZY busy for me! Also, I've been stewing in my anger...so it's hard for me to be uplifting when I want to burn the world down. Part of me knows the devil has been keeping me busy and distracted so I DONT POST... I know some of you really appreciate these healing testimony posts... im sorry for letting you down. I digress.
Today I want to cover something that is gnawing away at me and I believe some of you can empathize with what I am going through so what better way for me to heal than to purge my feelings into these posts. As always, I try to write through a Christian lens and give God all the glory in my life. The Christian Ruler stick makes me so angry. I am so glad that God judges my heart and not my mouth, or my works, or my continuous failures.( 1 Samuel 16:7 7 But the Lord said to Samuel, “Do not look on his appearance or on the height of his stature, because I have rejected him. For the Lord sees not as man sees: man looks on the outward appearance, but the Lord looks on the heart.”)
Recently I heard a sermon and he said God uses the least of us to glorify his works. (1 Timothy 1:15 “This is a faithful saying, and worthy of all acceptation, that Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners; of whom I am chief.”) I am inconsistent... and my mother likes to call me "Ungrateful Christian" or "Hypocrite" ALLLL the time. By me drawing nearer to our Lord Jesus Christ, she likes to throw in my face all the things in my past and who I used to be. She will never see me as a new creation in Christ, and for me, that is the end of our relationship. The Bible calls us to leave our families for the Kingdom of God and I guess that's where I am at with things. (Luke 18:29-30 29 And he said unto them, Verily I say unto you, There is no man that hath left house, or parents, or brethren, or wife, or children, for the kingdom of God's sake,30 Who shall not receive manifold more in this present time, and in the world to come life everlasting.)
Recently, I had to take on an immediate project at home laying pavers for a 2nd driveway so we wouldn't get towed. I was in the middle of my 2nd illness this year with walking pneumonia and I called upon my mom and dad to help me dig the dirt and lay the pavers. My mom and I have been speaking about this project, trying to find cheap pavers and her new husband was supposed to help. Well, when it came time for us to do this, she asked me to buy her a hotel room. I just dropped $550 on all the materials for the project and I am not a rich person, I have no savings and this was already causing me to be late on rent. I was so offended that my Mom asked me to pay her... My Dad dropped everything and just showed up to help. Even though I owe my Dad $20,000 dollars for all the help he gave me recently, he didn't ask for a dime.
I blocked my Mom after this exchange because I just can't be bothered with her drama... she's on her 6th husband...its always been her world and I am just an accessory to her. Yes, she has helped me with food (she works at a food bank), and yes, she gives me boxes of things she saves when she thinks of me when I see her. But she never sees her grandkids, she never makes time for me, and if I have to pay to see her or get some help from her...good riddance.
Now she is on a slander tour, having my brother, sister, grandma...whoever will listen to her reach out to me but I am just DONE. She tells them "Arnt you supposed to honor your mother and father?" Again... it's all about her. Don't use your Christian Ruler stick on me... I will never measure up. I unblocked and called her 2 times this weekend... but she told my brother she didn't want to be in a bad mood. Then I saw her eating stone crab with her new husband and carving her name in a tree to celebrate their love. Well, guess what... go be part of his family and leave me alone. If it truly was about reconciling with me, she would have answered. I'm going to keep my eyes fixed on Jesus and whatever will be will be.
I'm sorry that this has been a trauma dump post, but maybe by me being honest, it may help someone else on their walk with the Lord. Continue to pray for me as I will always pray for you! With love, Ally.
